My Breastfeeding Story

As my next two Blog Installments I thought I'd write about my journey so far with Breastfeeding; not least because I have found it compelling and heartwarming to read other women's stories from within the parent/breastfeeding-blogging world. I know that I'll find it cathartic and sentimental to document my own experience here; I hope that you enjoy my story. Here is part one.

Baby Girl

My first pregnancy, back in late 2009/2010, was such a wonderful time. I look back on it with joy; my Husband and I were so very excited and happy. We'd always planned to have children and began trying for a baby straight after our September 2009 wedding, and despite worry around my fertility (a ruptured ovary in my early teens and bouts of PCOS) we discovered I was pregnant on my Mums Birthday in the December. 

I am a meticulous planner and I had everything mapped out in my head; from the nursery design to our baby's first little outfits (all washed and ironed by the time I was 7 months pregnant). I subscribed to two pregnancy and baby magazines, went to the baby show, the works. We didn't wish to find out the sex of the baby which added to the excitement and sheer wonder of it all. Breastfeeding was always my intention and although I'd heard and read so many stories about women not being able to, I told myself (and anyone who asked) that I'd try my best as breastfeeding was my number one choice, but that I wouldn't beat myself up if I couldn't do it. Little did I know how much breastfeeding would come to mean to me (and literally little did I know about breastfeeding generally! One of the reasons I feel so strongly about campaigning for breastfeeding is that it is so un-talked about...so not seen in day to day popular culture - why for example does a celebrity breastfeeding in public/speaking about it cause so much excitement and debate? I digress...)

My Mum has always talked openly about her own breastfeeding, so we discussed it quite a bit whilst I was pregnant. Mum fell pregnant with my brother whilst still breastfeeding me when I was 9 months old (the doctor had told her breastfeeding was natures contraceptive ;-)). I can see now that my Mum's own attitude towards breastfeeding really set the foundation for my own choice, and for her support and advice I am extremely grateful. She also told me that it was "toe curlingly" uncomfortable for her at first - and thank heavens she did - as I knew that I had to get through that stage and that it wasn't my fault, abnormal or wrong if I felt pain initially. 

The next positive influence came at an NHS run ante-natal class; a local Breastfeeding Group called Cradles visited one of the sessions and gave some advice and resource on Breastfeeding. I remember being surprised that my home town had such a group and, ashamedly, I was shocked that the women looked so normal; they looked just like me...I think that society kind of suggests that breastfeeding is a little hippy-ish or somewhat niche. I feel ashamed for thinking that, and I'm so grateful to Cradles for reaching out to pregnant women in the way that they do. The class did touch on breastfeeding in itself, but seeing these women in person and hearing them talk about breastfeeding so openly was such an eye opener. 

Being the organised Mummy-To-Be I was, I had read up on the importance of colostrum (the first, thicker milk that Mothers produce) and skin-to-skin contact immediately after birth. I had also heard that it was common practice for some Mothers to take first-feed baby formula and sterilised bottles with them into hospital...I knew that I wanted to give breastfeeding my all, so I didn't pack any formula paraphernalia and I wrote into my birth plan (on my hospital notes, which you take when you go to have the baby) that I wanted immediate skin-to-skin contact and that I wanted to breastfeed as soon after the birth as possible (there are endless benefits for the baby in doing this).  

18 days before my due date (and just a week after finishing work!) my waters broke at home. We went into hospital 2 hours later to discover that I was 5cm dialated (baaahh!) and 22 agony filled hours later (things slowed down and I ended up having an assisted birth, very painful for me and baby) my beautiful Daughter was born. I'd had a spinal block, so although skin-to-skin was possible, it didn't last for long as I was layed flat and couldn't feel my arms very much, also I had to be stitched whilst in theatre, so my Husband held our baby girl for the first 45 minutes of her life. It was probably an hour and a half before I got to breastfeed her; a nurse hand expressed some colostrum onto the end of my nipple (I remember a friend advising me to let a Midwife or Nurse do this) and my girl suckled gently for a minute or so. It was a beautiful feeling and I remember feeling very proud - I'd done it! 

My baby was very niggly as she clearly had a headache and sore bruises from the birth, and naively, I expected her to sleep that first night! I did breastfeed her every time she cried through her first night, but looking back I probably wasn't feeding her for long enough as I now think that she was so tired she was latching off through sheer exhaustion then waking sore and hungry; this makes me really sad. It pains me to say this but I didn't find the Midwives very helpful (I won't name the hospital)...I watched them fetch formula at the drop of a hat for those new Mums requesting it and I heard them trying to talk one girl into trying again with breastfeeding but (and probably due to them being so busy, to be fair) as I was happy/determined to breastfeed I was sort of left to it, even though I was petrified, in agony and overwhelmingly clueless about this little teeny person before me. I think - knowing what I do now - that I should have been advised to put my baby to the breast more frequently. 

After one night in the hospital I was determined to go home, I was strongly advised not to as I'd had a tough time giving birth and had lost blood etc but I felt that my baby and myself would be better cared for and more relaxed at home. I had breastfed every one to two hours through the night in hospital following her birth and throughout the morning - I had read up on breastfeeding on demand, which I was planning on doing. 

My Husband was an absolute angel, and I credit my success with breastfeeding in huge part to him. Not only did he let me sleep when our baby slept and feed me (literally bring to me in bed, on a tray) delicious, nutritious meals, but he was there by my side for every single feed in the early days; to hold my hand and help wind/settle the baby after every feed. A close friend of mine who had a baby a few months before me had said that she was too tired to keep her food/energy levels up in those early days and I'm convinced that this is needed to keep up that all important supply (as well as bed rest and very regular offering of the breast). 

There was a day within that first hazy, crazy, sleep-deprived week that I just could not get our baby to latch on and feed. She was crying, clearly hungry, really upset and I was so very tired and angry with myself. The early feeds really hurt me at the point of latch on and let down (when the milk starts to flow as a response to the baby suckling) and, in desperation, I sent my husband out to buy formula. That's how easy it could have gone another way (I strongly believe in supply and demand, the more top ups and extra feeds with formula, the less breastmilk a Mother will produce). Whilst he was out, baby latched on and had a really good feed, and a few months later those ready-made bottles remained untouched in a rarely-used kitchen cupboard, a reminder of my determination. 

I didn't breastfeed in public with my daughter, and nor did I attend any breastfeeding groups, although I did feed her a few times at a baby massage course, where other Mums were breastfeeding too. I learned so much about the emotional side to feeding and my continuation past one, three and six months was self-perpetuating, it spurned me on to learn more about the science and cultural side of things; I immediately noticed that I was in the minority in exclusively breastfeeding and it dawned on me that this wonderful, bonding, natural, free feeding tool was totally overshadowed in popular modern culture by formula feeding. I totally believe in a woman's right to choose and I have no problem with formula at all. But it did and does sadden me that unlike in other countries, breastfeeding isn't the norm. My Health Visitor noticed my interest and suggested I apply for a Breastfeeding Support Worker role, but my imminent return to work put paid to that. 

I went back to work, through necessity and not choice, when our Daughter was 7 months old, and although I expressed regularly, she drank other fluids in the daytime from around that time, just breastfeeding at night. I remember feeling so glad to have our special cuddle time, just me and her, a magical spell holding us together, eyes locked, after being apart all day. These beautiful evening/night feeds continued until she was ten months old. I missed breastfeeding so much, I actually cried myself to sleep once thinking about it. But I was so pleased to have fed for so long and I do believe that my baby girl's health was so good in her first year due to my feeding.

Part two will follow soon, the story of my son and his breastfeeding - still going strong at 11 months ;-)